


Remedial Chaos Theory

by daftprettyboys



Series: community [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: And They Share A Bunk Bed, Bad Things Happen When A Loser Leaves The Apartment, Ben Finds A Quarter!, Bev Just Wants To Sing, Beverly Marsh Loves Ben Hanscom, Bill Denbrough Hates Roxanne (The Police), Bill Denbrough and Richie Tozier Live Together, Drug Use, Eddie Kaspbrak Has A Gun, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Everyone Being an Asshole, F/M, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, M/M, Mike Has A Baking Problem, Really REALLY Bad Things Happen When Richie Leaves, Richie Believes in Multiple Timelines, Stanley Uris Loves Bill Denbrough, The Gang Plays Yahtzee!, There Is An Evil Troll, Things Get Weird!, kill me im sorry, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:48:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daftprettyboys/pseuds/daftprettyboys
Summary: The group nods and ejects various terms of agreement.Richie speaks up as Bill picks up the die. "Just so you know, mushmouth, you are now creating six different timelines."Everyone chuckles at his dumb statement.Bill rolls his eyes, "Of course I am, trashmouth."orSix different alternate timelines are created when the Losers roll dice over who has to go get the pizza.It gets weird.[takes place sometime around their sophomore year of college](Community AU, s03e04)
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: community [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1707340
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	Remedial Chaos Theory

**Author's Note:**

> In honor of one of my favorite shows finally being added to Netflix, I decided to make an au from one of the most confusing episodes ever. 
> 
> TW: slightly ooc, blood, someone gets shot, marijuana use, Stan's got a weird evil troll thing

Beverly and Eddie face the door in confusion. Fancy, black door numbers (that look oddly polished) gleam **303** proudly. From behind the door, light jazz music plays blissfully and quietly. The smell of baked goods wafts into their noses, causing Bev to look at Eddie skeptically. "Didn’t they say 304?"  
Eddie shakes his head, just as confused. "No, 303. I wrote it down twice." They shrug at each other and Bev knocks on the door. The door flies open, revealing two boys dressed to the toe in... matching blazers and ascots. 

Eddie blinks, turning from Beverly back to Richie and Bill as he greets them. 

"Hi!" He and Bev speak at the same time, obviously both weirded out as both of their voices sound high and drag out the word. 

**"** Bill and Richie’s new apaaaartment!" The two boys sing in harmony, looking excitedly at the two shorter friends in front of them. They have goofy, excited smiles on their faces, and Eddie takes in the way the suit looks perfectly tailored on richie's chest. He blushes when he notices Richie's wink.

"You guys-you guys look so fancy." Eddie says, not lying. They cross into the apartment and Bev giggles as she looks at their decor. Eddie sees about fifty pictures of the losers around, and smirks knowingly at the one on the wall of Stan and Bill.   
"Th-thanks, we read a b-book on how to be the perfect pa-party hosts. Rule number one, dr-dress to impress.” Bill motions to their ascots.  
Richie adds on to what Bill says as they both hold up a two on their fingers. Eddie's a little weirded out by their outfits, synchronicity, and the overall oddly sophisticated manner. "Rule number two," Richie starts, "avoid touchy topics like _the “homo problem.”_

This makes Bev snort as she places the plant that he and her split on for a housewarming gift down on the kitchen half-wall counter. Eddie also snorts, shooting a glance at Richie. He's already looking at him.

Mike pokes his head out of the kitchen. "Oh good, you guys are finally here!"

Bev raises her eyebrows. "Finally? We're ten minutes early because Eddie wanted to see Ri-" Eddie kicks Beverly discreetly before she can finish. She just smirks and shuts her mouth. Even if he hears it, Richie says nothing.

Bill explains, "Mike showed up at three. H-he wanted to _bake_ stuff."

The four share a knowing look when mike looks down at his apron. "Time flies when I’m baking." Mike sings, turning back to the kitchen. "No, it doesn’t." Richie teases. 

Bill smiles at Beverly and Eddie, putting a hand on Eddie's back. "L-let me give you guys the grand tour." He starts pointing. "Bathroom, kitchen, who c-cares, and this..." He excitedly guides them to an impressively structured diorama. "...is my scale model of the rol-rolling boulder scene from Raiders. With an a-actual rolling boulder!" He pushes a trigger on the floor and a softball sized boulder rolls down the diorama hill. he catches it before it can fall off the table. "P-pretty cool, huh?" Bev and Eddie look at each other.  
"Super cool, and sexy. Super Sexy Cool." Eddie says, trying not to look so weirded out. Bev mumbles from beside him, "Overselling it."  
The buzzer rings, and Bill leaves to get the other guests.   
"I should make pizza!" Mike exclaims. Richie places a hand on Mike's shoulder from over the half wall. "Sorry, Mikey my love. We ordered _real_ pizza."

Bill walks in with Stan and Ben and exclaims, "Bienvenido d-de la Casa Chez Bih-bichie."  
Stan, wearing a blue sweater, smirks at the diorama. "Very nice. Oh look! Indiana Jones and the Apartment of Perpetual Virginity." At Stan's statement, Bill rolls his eyes good-naturedly. Ben chuckles and Richie laughs loudly, laying an arm over Eddie's shoulders and smiling at Stan. "Chop busted, fellow adult. Chop busted." He turns and walks away. Stan shoots an odd look at Eddie. "Why are they acting weird?" 

The group settles down at the table that perfectly sits seven as Bill and Richie insist on playing Yahtzee. "I mean, is there nothing from our youth that these companies won’t repackage for a buck? Call it Yahtzee all you want, everybody knows it’s russian chess." Richie says in a nasal voice as he dumps the contents onto the table. A chorus of "Shut up, Richie," and half-hearted laughs echo from the table. Ben and Beverly touch hands when they reach for the same pencil and Bev glows pink. Stan catches this, and shoots a look to Bill, who sees it and is already looking at Stan with a smirk. 

Bev presses play on Richie's iPod, which was plugged into their stereo.

 _the doorbell buzzes._  
Eddie jumps out of his seat with a yelp.  
Bill lifts a brow, "Ed-eddie, it’s just the buzzer."  
"We can’t buzz him up, someone has to go down." Richie says. The group groans.  
"Oh-okay. St-starting on my left with wuh-one. Your number comes up, you go." Bill reasons.   
The group nods and ejects terms of agreement. Richie speaks up as Bill picks up the die. "Just so you know, mushmouth, **you are now creating six different timelines."**  
Everyone chuckles at his dumb statement.  
Bill rolls his eyes, "Of course I am, trashmouth." 

Bill rolls a two.  
"Two. One two, Eddie." He counts, finger pointing to Eddie.   
Eddie stands up, adjusting his yellow shorts. "Okay, fine. I guess I’m going down."  
Richie sits up. "All this talk of going down. Did you guys know I had sex with Eddie's mom in an airplane bathroom?"  
Everyone groans and Mike laughs into his hand. "Shut the fuck up, Richie." Eddie quips as he’s leaving the room.  
"Alright, guys, since we’re about to eat." Mike says, setting his palms flat on the round table the losers were sat before he stands to check on his hand pies in the oven.  
Richie jumps to his own defense. "It’s not namedropping if it comes up organically!" 

As Sting starts the first line of Roxanne, Beverly starts, "Roxan-"  
"NO!" Bill interjects, shaking his head. Stan huffs a laugh at Bill's reaction, making the tall Denbrough boy's cheeks glow.  
Beverly squints at him before getting up, asking Richie where the bathroom is. She walks down the hall, thumbing a joint buried in her pocket. 

Richie turns to look through Eddie's fanny pack, moving pill bottles around with a pencil. He freezes. "Uh, guys? What does a pregnancy test look like?  
Stan replies without much interest, distracted by a game of tic-tac-toe with Bill. "Uh, Like a thin piece of plastic with a thing on the end of it."

  
Richie sounds slightly panicked when he mutters his next words, "Okay, so this is definitely a gun." He pulls out a small handgun that hangs by his pencil. Everybody screams in surprise. 

"Bill, what are we gonna do about this?" Ben says, his warm eyes blown wide. Bill shrugs, "I’m gonna get a drink." He stands and hits head on ceiling fan. "OW!" He yelps.  
Mike laughs from the kitchen. Bill looks at him, "W-what’s so funny?"  
Mike, laughing and mumbling: "I don’t know, people hitting their heads..." he trails off. Richie chuckles in agreement.

Finally, Eddie walks in with the pizzas.  
"PIZZA!" Bev calls, running out of the bathroom. Her eyes are red. Eddie shivers when he puts down the pizza. "That pizza guy was _super_ creepy."  
Ben laughs, "So, you’re saying he was a pizza guy?" Everyone laughs. Bev lays her head on Ben's shoulder as she waits to get a slice. As the group eats their pizza, Richie perks up. "I wonder what happened in those _other_ timelines."  
Beverly rolls her eyes. _"Richie, there are no other timelines."_

* * *

_the doorbell buzzes._  
Eddie jumps out of his seat with a yelp.  
Bill lifts a brow. "Ed-eddie, it’s just the buzzer."  
"We can’t buzz him up, someone has to go down." Richie says. The group groans. Bev presses play on Richie's iPod, which was plugged into their stereo.  
"Oh-okay. St-starting on my left with wuh-one. Your number comes up, you go." Bill reasons.   
The group nods and ejects terms of agreement. Richie speaks up as Bill picks up the die. "Just so you know, mushmouth, **you are now creating six different timelines."**  
Everyone chuckles at his dumb statement.  
Bill rolls his eyes, "Of course I am, trashmouth."   
He rolls a four.  
"Four. One, two, three, four-Mike." Bill points to him.  
"Okay, just don’t let my pies burn." He says with compliance, getting up and leaving the apartment. 

Richie looks away from the closed door, "Now, I don’t like being the bad guy anymore than anybody else-"

He's cut off by Bev, who starts singing off very off pitch, "Roxa-"  
"No!" Bill shakes his head, cutting off her singing.   
Bev scowls. "Bathroom?" She asks Richie before following his directions towards their bathroom, pulling a joint from her bra.   
A bell dings in the kitchen.  
Bill holds his hands out to prevent anyone from getting up. "W-we have a pact, we d-do not enable his ba-baking. Re-remember Ho-how bad it got last m-m-month? it’s gonna be better for him in the long run." The others nod. Richie snorts. "Heh, you know who got it in the long run? Eddie's mom, when I nailed her in the airplane bathroom."  
Groaning echoes over the sounds of The Police.  
"Ew, Rich." Stan says half-heartedly.  
Richie laughs, gesturing his hands in a defensive shrug. "What? Came up organically." Stan, hoping to ignore Richie's joke, pushes a gift towards the other boy. “Here, Richie. Happy housewarming.” Stan hands his gift, which sits in his lap, to Richie. Richie pulls it over to him, his feet propped on the table. "Oh, cool, thanks, Stanny."

Richie opens the gift to reveal a creepy looking troll figurine. He shrieks and jumps up in horror. Ben laughs, "What’s that?"

Stan shrugs, biting back a smile. Bill watches him fondly. "What? It’s a traditional Norwegian troll. When Richie and I were living together, I had it on display in the hall. You know, outside his bedroom. He seemed very taken with it."  
Bill laughs and Richie scowls, "It used to watch me sleep!"  
Ben laughs harder. Eddie perks up, "Stan! Shame on you. Bill, what are you gonna do about this?"   
Bill sighs, "I’m gonna get a drink." He stands, and hits head on ceiling fan "OW!" he hisses. Bev exits the bathroom and laughs. 

Mike walks in with the pizzas.   
"PIZZA!" Bev choruses, her eyes red.

Mike drops the pizza on the island, "I hope this pizza is less greasy than that pizza guy." Everyone snorts, taking slices. "Did someone remember to take out my pies?"  
Everyone looks at each other, but nobody says anything.  
"Seriously? Oh! Oh! Oh, no. SERIOUSLY!?" He yelps, running into the kitchen.   
Richie calls after him. "Mike, it doesn’t matter. We weren’t going to eat them. You’re not allowed to have 'baking things' as an identity."  
Mike comes back out with the burnt hand pies. "Excuse me for being the only sensible guy in a group full of horny toads who sit around all night just making googly eyes at each other."  
Richie and Eddie both speak at the same time, "Googly eyes?"  
They look at each other, and get freaked out at their identical jinx. Eddie turns to look next to him at Bill, who is staring at Stan, who stares back. Richie, after looking away from Eddie, turns from where he's next to Stan to see Bev and Ben meet eyes and look away. Richie turns his head back to find Eddie, but yelps when Stan holds up the troll in front of him.  
"Mike, it’s okay. No one makes googly eyes at me either. We’re the same." Stan says, scuffing his toes on the floor.   
Bev shoves Bill's shoulder and Richie clears his throat obnoxiously, shoving bill and making Bill elbow his gut in return. 

Richie shrugs. "I don’t know why he’s so upset, his pies probably didn’t even burn in the other timelines." Ben hits his shoulder, "Richie, Mike just had a nervous breakdown-" Eddie butts in with a laugh, "More like a nervous-" Ben cuts him off, though. "Bake-down, I KNOW! I didn’t say it on purpose. And Richie, _there are no other timelines."_

* * *

_the doorbell buzzes._  
Eddie jumps out of his seat with a yelp.  
Bill lifts a brow. "Ed-eddie, it’s just the buzzer."  
"We can’t buzz him up, someone has to go down." Richie says. The group groans. Bev presses play on Richie's iPod, which was plugged into their stereo. Roxanne by the Police starts playing.   
"Oh-okay. St-starting on my left with wuh-one. Your number comes up, you go." Bill reasons.   
The group nods and ejects terms of agreement. Richie speaks up as Bill picks up the die. "Just so you know, mushmouth, **you are now creating six different timelines."**  
Everyone chuckles at his dumb statement.  
Bill rolls his eyes, "Of course I am, trashmouth."   
Bill rolls a three. "Three. One, two, three, Ben."

 **"** Crap." He says. 

Richie laughs, "Crap. Speaking of crap, I was taking one in an airplane bathroom when Eddie's mom decided to bang me." A chorus of groans echo over the intro of the song on the stereo.   
"What? It’s where my mind went." Richie defends. Bill mutters, "Y-your mind went years ag-ago." Everybody chuckles. "I’m gonna check on my pies." Mike leaves, and so does Ben.  
  
Bev starts to sing, "ROXANN-"  
Bill shakes his head aggressively. "No."  
Bev scowls. 

Eddie clears his throat. "I love your place, Bill. You’re, uh, all grown up now." He tries to keep the smirk off his face.   
"Yeah, I can’t believe those are real mahogany bunk beds in there. I bet that cost you a few allowances." Stan teases.   
Bill scowls, "A-all right." He crosses his arms.   
Bev coos, "Aw, Billy!"   
Eddie giggles, "Oh, Now we've done it."  
"I’m gonna get a drink." Bill scowls, standing up. He hits head on ceiling fan "OW!" Mike laughs in the kitchen. Bill storms past Bev, accidentally knocking the Indiana Jones model. The boulder starts rolling just as Richie walks past, grabbing it and looking around suspiciously. 

Stanley follows Bill into the kitchen. "I know what you were doing, I’m 21 years old. I’m a man." Bill pouts when he hops on the counter and faces Stan. Bill takes out a candy cigarette from his suit pocket. “Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, Bill, we know." Stan says, unsure how to comfort him- Bill never acts like this. Odd...Bill eats the candy cigarette as Stan tries not to smile. He looks at Bill's head. "I think you just need some ice. I don't think you're bleeding." Bill notices how close Stan is, "You-you'd be a good doctor, Stan."   
"Thanks." He blushes softly, eyes lowering and eyelashes fluttering on his cheeks. Mike interrupts, holding out a tray of pies. "Dr. Mikey says mini pies are the best medicine."  
Bev pipes up from the other room, "Then I’d like to see his degree!" 

Stan turns back to Bill, pulling his head to make him look at him. "He’s giving you shit because he's jealous. You've got your own place, you’ve got a future, you... live with richie, you’ve got a bowl of olives next to the toilet..."   
"-It’s a fancy party, Stan." as if that explained it. "And what, he's jealous because I live with Richie?"

Stan quirks a brow. "Yeah? I mean, he _has_ been in love with him since we were kids, Bill. I've had to watch them pine over each other for years. A lot of the time i get stuck in a room with just them. It's excruciating." Stan reasons. Mike snorts from the other side of the kitchen. "No kidding. Imagine that." His voice drips with sarcasm. 

Ben enters the apartment. "Man, pizza guys are getting worse and worse looking." He says as he drops the pizza box on the table.   
"Guess all the good ones went into porn." Richie smirks, and only Eddie, Ben, and Bev laugh. _"Oh, I wonder what happened in all those other timelines."_ Richie says through a mouthful of pepperoni.   
Stan and Bill, at the same time, say, "Who cares?"

* * *

_the doorbell buzzes._  
Eddie jumps out of his seat with a yelp.  
Bill lifts a brow. "Ed-eddie, it’s just the buzzer."  
"We can’t buzz him up, someone has to go down." Richie says. The group groans.   
"Oh-okay. St-starting on my left with wuh-one. Your number comes up, you go." Bill reasons.   
The group nods and ejects terms of agreement. Richie speaks up as Bill picks up the die. "Just so you know, mushmouth, **you are now creating six different timelines."**  
Everyone chuckles at his dumb statement.  
Bill rolls his eyes, "Of course I am, trashmouth."   
Bill rolls a six. "Six. O-one, two, th-th-three, four, five, s-six. B-Bev." He says.  
Bev doesn’t hit play on the iPod. No music plays.

"Great." She says, standing up. She heads for the door, and Ben watches her go.

Richie sighs through the quiet and decides to repeat her words. "Great. You know what’s great? Air travel. Boy, I’ve flown a lot. Lot of stories on airplanes. I once had sex with Eddie's mom on an airpl-" 

Mike snorts. "-I’m gonna check on my pies." Mike gets up and heads for the kitchen. Richie, Bill, Ben, Eddie and Stan sit together for a moment.

Richie, forever unable to stand any kind of silence, speaks up. "You guys are my best frien-"  
"-I’m going to get a drink." Bill says. He stands up and smacks his head on the fan. Richie, Bill, and Eddie laugh. Eddie jumps to his feet, "Oh my God are you okay?" Bill rubs his head. "B-barely felt it." He hisses. Ben and Richie share a look of amusement. 

"Let me look at it in the bathroom." Eddie determines as he grabs his fanny pack and leads Bill toward the foyer. Stan watches them leave. Richie, Ben, and Stan remain. Bill asks Richie before they disappear into the room. "Rich, should I refill the toilet olives?"

Richie shakes his head. "We’re good. I checked." Bill smiles lovingly. "You’re the best." Richie smiles giddily, "Want to stay up all night talking in our bunk beds?" Bill nods enthusiastically, "Duh-doy!" Bill and Eddie finally leave the room. Stan glares at the table, then hands his gift to Richie. "Here, Rich. Happy housewarming." Richie pulls it over to him, his feet propped on the table. "Oh, cool, thanks, Stanny."

In the bathroom, Eddie is tending to Bill’s head. "Eddie, you make a good nurse." He says. Eddie snorts. "Thank you. I actually had to apply a _tourniquet_ the other day. Someone got stabbed outside my apartment!" He says, sounding equally terrified, nervous, and excited. Bills eyes blow wide. "What? Eddie, you have got to get the hell out of that apartment!" 

Eddie sighs. "I can take care of myself. You know we're not really kids anymore, remember?" Bill smiles. "I-I know. I just think Ruh-Richie would k-kill me if something happened to you and i kn-knew about ih-it." They share a look and eddie is about to ask what he means, but they suddenly hear Richie scream from the other room. Bill and Eddie enter from one side, Mike from another.   
They run out to see Richie against the wall, Stan waving a small troll towards his terrified face. A discarded gift box is empty on the floor. "Feel the terror, Rich! Feel the terror of the Norwegian troll!" He's yelling. 

Mike looks just as bewildered as the others. "What is going on in here?"

Ben is sitting at the table calmly, looking at Bill. "Stan is terrorizing Richie because he’s jealous you moved in together. He misses living with Richie." He directs his words towards Bill. Stan scowls at Ben. "You’re the one who’s jealous." Ben tilts his head, suppressing a laugh. "Why would I be jealous?“

Stan stutters, "Because you’re lonely and crazy!" Everyone gets quiet. Ben raises his eyebrows with a smile. Stan composes himself, embarrassed, and Eddie shoots him a look. Stan blushes hard, disbelieving that he, himself, tried to bring this torturous goddamn troll back into Richie’s just out of jealousy. Plus he _knows R_ ichie's not into Bill, he’s obviously in love with Eddie; Hell, Richie was his best friend and knew how long Stan had been pining for the red-headed boy. "I have nobody to live in my other bedroom. Can't afford rent." Stan defends. 

Bill pipes up, "Hey, isn't Eddie l-looking for a ruh-ruh-room-" 

Bev speaks up from the door of the apartment, "Hey, guys." Everyone looks to see Bev, holding the pizzas, standing next to a skeevy pizza delivery guy. Bev looks at them, smiling: "This is Toby, our pizza delivery guy. I know this is going to sound crazy, but we’re in love and getting married!"

It's silent. Everyone is confused and grossed out- the guy has a mullet. And they’re all only 21- and who knows how old this guy is? Ben is pretty sure he's gonna pass out. Richie speaks up first. "Whoa. Well that sucks. Haystack is a much better match for you. I wonder what happened in all those other timelines."  
The pizza guy, his greasy hair swinging, speaks up. _"Wait. There are other timelines?"_

* * *

_the doorbell buzzes._  
Eddie jumps out of his seat with a yelp.  
Bill lifts a brow. "Ed-eddie, it’s just the buzzer."  
"We can’t buzz him up, someone has to go down." Richie says. The group groans. Bev presses play on Richie's iPod, which was plugged into their stereo. Roxanne by the Police starts playing.  
"Oh-okay. St-starting on my left with wuh-one. Your number comes up, you go." Bill reasons.   
The group nods and ejects terms of agreement. Richie speaks up as Bill picks up the die. "Just so you know, mushmouth, **you are now creating six different timelines."**  
Everyone chuckles at his dumb statement.  
Bill rolls his eyes, "Of course I am, trashmouth."   
Bill rolls the die. One. "One. Ruh-rich." He points at Richie. 

**"** Dammit! I’m going to go as fast as I can so I don’t miss anything." Richie gets up and sprints into the hall.  
  
He races out the door, slamming it behind him. The reverberation shakes the hallway, including the Raiders of the Lost Ark diorama. The boulder starts to come loose, but nobody notices. In the awkward silence that nobody can fill, Mike stands. "I’m gonna check on my pies."

The boulder breaks loose and rolls down the diorama, crushing the Indiana Jones figurine before rolling onto the floor. It rolls down the hall as Sting sings the opening lyric, and Bev sings with him:

" _Rooxxx_ -" Bev starts, but Bill quickly interrupts. " _No_."  
Bev sighs, annoyed. "Bathroom?"   
"It's over there." Mike calls to Beverly from the kitchen.

The boulder rolls past Bev, who doesn’t notice it as she heads to the bathroom. Beverly lights a joint when she gets into the bathroom.

The boulder rolls into the room where everyone sits at the table. Eddie jokingly looks to bill, "so Bill, tell us about your parents-"

"I’m going to get a drink." Bill says quickly. Stan huffs a laugh. Bill stands and smacks his head on the ceiling fan. “OW!” Ben laughs. Eddie jumps to his feet. "Oh my God are you okay?" Bill rubs his head. "B-barely felt it." Eddie looks at him in concern.  
"Let me look at it in the bathroom." He grabs his fanny pack and moves toward Bill.  
However, he steps on the rolling boulder, slips, and flies up, and the fanny pack flies out of his hand. Stan jumps up out of his seat, throwing his gift for Richie in surprise.  
  
Eddie's fall lands him on the coffee table, propelling all the drinks and snacks on it into the air, including Richie’s bottle of rum and the four bottles of wine. The bottles smash to the floor, coating it with alcohol.

Eddie’s pack lands hard on the floor -- BANG! A gun goes off, shooting Stan in the leg. Ben gasps in disbelief and horror.

Stan screams in pain. His leg spurts blood, and he falls to the ground, which sends his gift tumbling and flying across the floor.

Bill yelps, "What the hell?!" Ben hurries from the hall and stares at the chaos. Mike runs out of the kitchen, just in time to get a face full of spraying blood. He screams in horror, dropping his pan of hand pies that are now covered in blood.

Eddie rushes to Stan and puts pressure on his wound. Eddie yelps at Bill, "Call 9-1-1! Ben, help me stop the bleeding!" Bill scrambles for his phone, and Ben rushes to help Stan. "I’m dying! I’m dying!" He screams.

Bev stumbles out from the bathroom, a lit joint in her mouth. Shocked, she opens her mouth, dropping the joint, and it lands in the spilled rum and -- whoosh! Flames erupt! They quickly spread, engulfing the floor and Stan’s gift lying on it.  
  
Everybody in the apartment is screaming. Bev, stoned out of her mind, runs into the kitchen to get water. 

Just then, Richie giddily runs inside with the pizzas. In a minute, his world has been transformed into a fever dream of fire, blood, and mayhem -- and sitting amidst it all, staring at Richie with beady little eyes from the charred package remains on the floor, is Torg, the troll that Stan used to torment him with when he was staying at Stan’s place.

Richie falls to his knees, pointing towards the troll. "YOOOU! YOOOOOOOOOOU!!! NOOOOO! How did we choose the darkest timeline?!"

”THERE ARE NO- FUCK!” Stan screams through pain as he thrashes around. “THERE ARE NO OTHER TIMELINES ASSHOLE!”

* * *

_the doorbell buzzes._  
Eddie jumps out of his seat with a yelp.  
Bill lifts a brow. "Ed-eddie, it’s just the buzzer."  
"We can’t buzz him up, someone has to go down." Richie says. The group groans. Bev presses play on Richie's iPod, which was plugged into their stereo. Roxanne by the Police starts playing.  
"Oh-okay. St-starting on my left with wuh-one. Your number comes up, you go." Bill reasons.   
The group nods and ejects terms of agreement. Richie speaks up as Bill picks up the die. "Just so you know, mushmouth, **you are now creating six different timelines."**  
Everyone chuckles at his dumb statement.  
Bill rolls his eyes, "Of course I am, trashmouth."   
Bill rolls the die. Five. "One two three four five. Stan."

"I’m on it." He stands up.

Richie perks up. "You know who else was “on it,” and, you know what “it” is --"

Stan looks at the table expectantly. "Everybody give me money." Bill chuckles. "That sweater really softens your personality." Bill winks at Stan. Stan rolls his eyes and holds out his hand to distract from his blush. When Bill hands Stan some money, Richie feels his moment slipping away.

Richie blurts out, "I banged Eddie's mom!" They all stare at him in exhaustion. Stan exits and Mike heads to the kitchen. Sting sings the opening lyrics to Roxanne and Bev sings along, 

_"Rooxxx_ \--" Bill shoots her a look, shaking his head. "No." 

Bev stops, annoyed at Bill. She turns off the music with a glare. "Bathroom?" Richie points, "Down the hall." Ben watches Bev exit towards the bathroom. Richie watches the whole interaction with suspicion. "Very interesting, haystack." Bill chuckles knowingly before announcing, "I’m going to get a drink."

Bill stands up and smacks his head on the fan. Richie laughs. Eddie jumps to feet, "Oh my God are you okay?" Bill winces. "B-barely felt it."

"Let me look at it in the bathroom." Eddie suggests. He grabs his fanny pack and they head toward the kitchen.

Stan hands his gift to Richie. "Here, Rich. Happy housewarming." Richie pulls it over to him, his feet propped on the table. "Oh, cool, thanks, Stanny."He pauses before opening the gift. Richie pauses before opening it.  
"Hey, while we’re alone, I just wanted to say thanks for letting me live with you. It was fun, and pretty weird, because of the whole ADHD/OCD combination, and I'm sorry I got that tarantula without telling, then _I lost it_ in our living room, then I found it on your bed while you slept. But really, Stan. You're my best friend and always will be, because I love you, man. I just, you know, it’s time for me try to make it on my own. Just like you did."

Stan is thrown. "Uh, wow, Rich. I-I love you too. But, um, you know what, don’t..don't open that." Stan responds as he tries to take the gift back, but Richie won’t let him. Richie chuckles, "Say, wot are ye tolking uhbout?" Richie says in an awful accent as they wrestle with the box. 

Meanwhile, Bev exits the bathroom, stoned.

"Oh my God, what smells amazing?!" Mike hears Bev’s voice. "Someone wants pie!" Mike says, bolting out of the kitchen with his pies, excited. He bounds past Stan and Richie’s escalated struggle with the gift. ("You are bad at gift giving! I demand to be house warmed!")  
Mike bounds up to Bev, who takes a pie and chows on it. "Oh, yes! They taste just like regular-sized pies!" She moans. "Mikey, you are the BEST."

(In the other room, Stan finally wrestles the gift away from Richie. The box opens, sending the troll tumbling into a corner. Richie gasps upon seeing it. Stan looks guilty.)

Bev looks up with realization. "Crap. I’m not supposed to eat your stuff, we all made an agreement." It's quiet for a moment, then, "Crap. I’m not supposed to say that." Mike is silent. "Shit. Cards on the table: I am _really_ high right now. And I shouldn't eat your stuff. You’re obsessed, it’s creepy.” Bev says.

"Excuse me? I'm not taking that shit from someone who's obsessed with her best friend. Just _tell_ him, Bev. It’s creepy." Mike snaps. "You're just being a baby! There's no reason not to!" He says when she tries to add in.

Meanwhile, Eddie is patching up Bill in the bathroom. "So, what's it like? Living with the trashmouth?" Eddie asks. Bill's face lights up. "So f-fun! we had such a hard time moving our bunk bed in to our room, but we did it. and we stay up together _all night,_ we've watched every episode of Scrubs, we make s'mores on our stove, and we've also seen-"   
Eddie glares at the counter. "God, forget I asked." Bill frowns. "Eddie, what's g-going on? Y-you're being me-mean." Eddie rolls his eyes, wishing he could just say what he was thinking. "Whatever, it's nothing."

"Are you acting like this because you like Ruh-Rich? Because I lik-" Eddie shakes his head. "No! No, gross. You guys are just immature and I'm surprised you don't need Mike to live here as your babysitter." At Eddie's words, Bill raises his eyebrows. "Ed-Eddie, don't be ruh-rude just because you're too much of a ch-child to tell Ruh-Rich how you f-f-feel." He stands up, pushing his way past Eddie and out of the bathroom. Eddie scowls, crossing his arms in anger before stomping out. 

Ben returns to the apartment with the pizzas. "Pizza time!" He calls. Ben continues on toward the living room. Mike stomps off behind him, followed by an offended Bev.

Richie shakes his head in disbelief at Stanley. "You are a sick, sad, twisted man and I hope you die alone." He says, making stan scowl. Ben sets the pizzas down. Bill emerges from the bathroom, angry, followed by Eddie, also pissed. Everyone sits in silence. Ben, clueless, is the only one to dive in.

 _"I wonder what happened in all those other timelines."_ Richie grumbles, glaring at Stan. "I gotta say...I hope this is the real one. Because I just found a nickel in the hallway." Ben says cheerfully. No one says a word, still stewing in anger.

* * *

_the doorbell buzzes._  
Eddie jumps out of his seat with a yelp.  
Bill lifts a brow. "Ed-eddie, it’s just the buzzer."  
"We can’t buzz him up, someone has to go down." Richie says. The group groans. Bev presses play on Richie's iPod, which was plugged into their stereo. Roxanne by the Police starts playing.  
"Oh-okay. St-starting on my left with wuh-one. Your number comes up, you go." Bill reasons.   
The group nods and ejects terms of agreement. Richie speaks up as Bill picks up the die. "Just so you know, mushmouth, **you are now creating six different timelines."**  
Everyone chuckles at his dumb statement.  
Bill rolls his eyes, "Of course I am, trashmouth." 

However, as Bill tosses the die into the air, a hand grabs it before it can land. It’s Richie. Noises of complaint and annoyance echoes around their circle table. 

Richie looks at Bill. "I don’t think you should." At the looks of confusion, Richie explains to the table. "Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. And as much as I love that, the universe is an endless, raging sea of randomness. Our job isn’t to fight it, but to weather it, together, on the raft of life, a raft held together by those few rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable-"

Beverly frowns, "Rich, what the fuck are you saying?"

"Yeah, man. I'm hungry." Bill says. 

Richie ignores them. " _-Us_. It won’t matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other’s flaws and virtues. Eddie will always be the cutest little fucker around, but also really driven. Mike will always be giving, Stan will _never_ apologize, Ben's always going to be loyal, Bev’s... sort of a wildcard from my perspective, and Bill will forever remain a _conniving son of a bitch."_

Richie, grinning, jumps off their shock. They had clearly expected him to say a leader (because, well, he _is_ ). "There are six sides to a die, and seven of us. The asshole devised a system by which he never had to get the pizza." 

Everyone realizes this, and while laughing, boos Bill. Bill smiles and laughs it off. Mike shakes his head with a smile. "Pretty low, dude. It’s called “friendship.” Look it up. _Encarta_ it." Eddie smirks. "I think we just found our pizza-getter." Everyone cheers in agreement. Bill rolls his eyes. "Oh, like it even muh-matters at all who goes. It’s not like a-anything different would happen i-if Rich left inst-t-tead of me." 

Bill stands, smacking his head on the fan. Everyone laughs. "Ow! What’s so funny?" Bill asks, rubbing the spot that he hit. Eddie mutters, "Karma." Bill, chagrined, rubs his jaw and exits with a soft chuckle. Bev jokingly jests, "That guy sucks harder than a toilet in an airplane bathroom."

Richie chuckles as if reminiscing a memory. "Ah. Airplane bathroom."

"Oh! My pies --" Mike says, standing as he realizes they were baking. Sting sings the opening lyric of Roxanne:

"Rooxxxxanne!" Bev belts. Everyone smiles. Mike, seduced by the opportunity to sing, stays. Mike and Bev twirl around, singing the lyrics.

_You don’t have to put on the red light!_

Richie jumps up, grabbing eddie and pulling him to dance with him. Eddie blushes and they look at each other, smiles huge and eyes wide. 

_Those days are over, you don’t have to sell your body to the night._

Stan discretely tosses his housewarming gift out the window behind him before he jumps up.

_Roooxxxanne! You don’t have to put on the red light!_

Eddie leans towards Stan, smiling as the others sing.

"I really love their place... it's just too fucking messy." Stan smiles softly at him. "I agree. Hey, you aren't looking for a place, are you?"

Eddie grins. "Yes, I am! Are you looking for a roommate?”

Stanley grins back. “Not anymore, looks like i just found him.”  
The two of them get swept up in the singing. Richie leans in to eddie, cupping his chin. "Eds, I..." Richie trails off, looking into Eddie's eyes. Eddie pushes up onto his tiptoes, pressing his lips softly against the taller boy's.

When they pull back, Richie and Eddie are glowing. "Be mine?" Richie asks, and Eddie giggles, "Yes." 

Everyone is singing now, spinning around in Bill and Richie's living room. 

_Rooxxxxanne, put on the red light!_

Bill returns with the pizzas and watches in detached bemusement. He shakes his head at them with a fond smile, his eyes trailing to the boy with the honey golden curls. Bill shouts over them, "Y-you guys see what hap-happens when I leave you alone? Huh?" 

They dive into the pizzas and continue singing. He smiles at their unguarded stupidity before joining in, looping his arms around Stan's waist, gathering up enough courage to cup his jaw when Stan turns to look at him. Out of the corner of his eyes, Bill sees Beverly whisper something to Ben, who smiles. She presses a kiss to his cheek after he responds. 

"Stan, I really like you." He says, not stuttering at all. Stan gasps quietly, biting his bottom lip in a smile. "And I understand if this messes up our friendship, b-but I can't ignore it anym-more."

Stan puts a hand on Bills chest. "I-I like you too, Bill." And they kiss, as their friends scream and dance around them. 

"This was definitely the best timeline." Richie hollers, his arm looped around Eddie's waist. Everyone rolls their eyes. "Shut up, Rich, there are no other timelines." Stan says when he pulls away from Bill. 


End file.
